Posts by Matt Dreger
Getting Even Comes at a Large Cost
Conflict stirs up strong emotions. When they are not managed well, these emotions can fester and lead us to respond in very destructive ways. One such response is retaliation or getting even with the other person. Researchers suggest that our retaliatory response was an evolutionary development that helped let others know when they were doing something unacceptable (1). When we see someone doing something that offends our values, it is easy to want to stop them from doing it again. Many people also feel a short term sense of satisfaction in getting back at the other person. This usually falls… Continue Reading Getting Even Comes at a Large Cost
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5 Steps to Control Your Anger
Conflict is rife with emotion. One that we frequently encounter is anger. While it is often a secondary emotion that is initially triggered by fear, anger is more visible and can trigger ineffective responses to conflict. One of the Conflict Dynamics Profile (CDP) active destructive responses is Displaying Anger which involves acting out the inner emotion. Angry displays can include raising one’s voice, swearing, and physical displays like slamming your hand on a table. Suppressed anger can also leak out as demeaning or retaliatory behaviors. In MTI’s Retaliatory Cycle, it is anger that fuels the wrong reflexes of Walk-aways and… Continue Reading 5 Steps to Control Your Anger
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The Role of Emotional Self Regulation
Recent research has found that improved emotion regulation can prevent task conflict from turning into relationship conflict. (1) This means that improving self-awareness of your own hot buttons, learning how to delay your responses, and developing ways to cool down in the heat of conflict can help you resolve conflicts more effectively and avoid exacerbating matters. REFLECT ON YOUR TRIGGERS Learning more about your hot buttons helps prevent you from getting caught off guard when someone acts in a way that pushes one of your buttons. If you have taken time to reflect on why certain behaviors irritate you as… Continue Reading The Role of Emotional Self Regulation
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Take a Personal Time Out
Retaliation leads to Escalation
Learning How to Reach Out
One of the active constructive behaviors measured by the Conflict Dynamics Profile (CDP) instrument is called Reaching Out. It is described as responding to conflict by reaching out to the other person, making the first move, and trying to make amends. Leaders Reach Out Research by the CDP authors has shown that there is a strong correlation between reaching out in conflict situations and being seen as an effective leader. Leaders realize that letting conflicts fester will only lead to worse outcomes. So they get up the courage to ask the other person in the conflict if he or she… Continue Reading Learning How to Reach Out
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Dialogue Makes the Difference
When we ask people whether they talk more or less with those with whom they are in conflict, the answer is always the same – they talk less! Our next question is when they talk less with the other person, are they more or less likely to resolve the conflict? This question is first met with uncomfortable laughter and then an admission that they can’t solve conflict very well without talking to the other person. Lessen Distress The process of dialogue – face-to-face, issue-focused verbal conversation – is at the heart of the MTI conflict resolution program. When people can… Continue Reading Dialogue Makes the Difference
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CDP Behaviors: Creating Solutions and Reflective Thinking
After taking time to understand the other person’s perspective and sharing your own thoughts and feelings about a conflict, it comes time to look at what you can do to come up with a resolution to the problem that can work for you and the other person. While it seems obvious why the solution should work for you, there are times when we yield to others and generate one-sided solutions that do not meet our own interests. Likewise, there are times when we try to win at all costs even if it means the other person’s interests are disregarded. In… Continue Reading CDP Behaviors: Creating Solutions and Reflective Thinking
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Perspective Taking and Emotions
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